Introspective

Lately I have found my self doing lots and lots of soul searching. I'm not necessarily liking all the things that are coming to the surface either. I don't know if it is mid-life crisis already or what but both Joel and I are wondering about our future and we are a little worried. I really felt like I'd be farther in life by now. Not necessarily financially- but I thought we'd be more secure. I feel like we should know what we want to do and what God wants of us. Life feels up in the air and not at all secure. Joel's job is somewhat dead end in that there is no room for advancement. He is as high as it goes so now we are looking into schooling options but along with that comes how to pay for it. I am a stay at home mom and that isn't going to change. That is a priority for us. Sure, I can help out by doing some evening things like waitressing and Wildtree but my job is firmly planted in raising our children and being available to them.

Life wouldn't necessarily be any easier if I worked full-time anyway. I just had a friend call me who is a mom to 2 and works full-time and her husband works full-time and they are really struggling to make it. I think the struggles just come regardless of what you choose to do.

The more I bring this to God and ask why- the more I keep feeling He is using this. Maybe financial hardships are going to be what Joel and I bear. Maybe we will never have much, maybe we will always live paycheck to paycheck (gulp). If that is what God wants for us then I want to do it. If he wants to teach us some lessons so we can teach others- I guess I have to be fine with that. The other thing I am realizing is that even though life looks dead-end right now it doesn't have to be. Maybe I am going to really take off in Wildtree and my part-time income will provide it all. Maybe, someone will see some potential in Joel and take him and train him for a job we never dreamed. With God all things are possible and I am really clinging to that.

Then, along with all this introspective comes a much more personal aspect also... Where I thought I would be spiritually and why am I not there? Why can't I seem to get this whole self-control and kindness thing down.... and gentleness.... and love.... and patience.... and joy.... and goodness....It seems I need a lot of work. Sometimes when I talk to God and ask him how to change He is just so quiet. I think He is wanting me to go outside my box and figure it out. Lately I have been feeling like I need to be around older women- women who have walked this road and gotten through it, women- who despite the struggles stayed home with their children because they felt God calling it on their lives. Women- who love their husbands, even when it is difficult who make do with nothing to get by and always chose joy. I need to find myself some of these ladies to learn their wisdom and secrets.

So- that is what has been going on lately. Lots and lots of soul-searching and it will probably continue until I find the answers I am looking for and feels God's peace in all issues.

Now- I am off to dress the 18th barbie.... My 3 year old wants to play 12 dancing princesses but she can't count. :-)